Pre-Marital Counseling?

Mr. J and I are both children of divorced parents--well, technically, my parents are divorced and his parents have been separated for years--so getting married is a big step for the both of us. I never thought I would get married. Now, I wasn't one of those women who thought there were no good black men left--but it is kind of hard out there!

Let me repeat: I never thought I would get married. Sure, I'd thought about it, but it was never something that seemed within reach. Not even when Mr. J and I first started dating. On our second date we had the marriage talk (YES, our second date) and he told me that he was not going to be getting married. At the time I thought, yeah, I don't want to get married either. Later on in our relationship he said that he would get married if the woman he was in love with needed that. And I thought, I'd never want someone to marry me because they think I need it.

So now we're here--we're getting married. A big step for both of us and we're doing it with both eyes open. I know this may sound cliche but we want this marriage to last. I feel like marriage has become this thing that people do to have a big party and then a year or two later they're divorced. That sucks! I know they probably don't think they'll be divorced that soon--but if you look closely at the relationship, there were cracks already starting to form. This is not a starter marriage for us, this is it. This is it.

Mr. J and I are trying to get some pre-marital counseling. We want to be armed with the tools before we get married--there's room for improvement in every relationship and we both are really excited about strengthening our bond--even if that means getting into some heavy stuff.

I also know that in the black community there's still this stigma attached to counseling--you know, we don't air our dirty secrets--but it's when we get them out in the open that everything becomes clean.

What do you think about pre-marital counseling? Or counseling in general?

I LOVE our engagement photos!

We had a lot of fun playing around.

This race helped warm us up in the 40 degree weather.

I like this shot a lot. Just don't look to close because my hands look ashy. (It's from being out in the cold for three hours).

He wanted to spin me around but my crack was showing!

We decided to wear our Barack the Vote t-shirts because we met on an election day.

As New Yorkers, we've got to have the subway shot.

And this is the spot where we met. He came up to me and asked if I liked jazz. Awwww.

So the pictures were taken by our friend Richard Louissaint. Check his blog for more of our pictures. Mr. J's mom was visiting with us for the weekend and was behind the scenes holding our bags. She's such a trooper! We want to get a book done of our favorite photos and get some prints for our families. We're both ecstatic about the photos because they are exactly what we wanted, casual, fun, romantic, and in Brooklyn!

Making the Ceremony Your Own

We all know how it goes: Do you (blank) take (blank) to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold from this day forward? Blah Blah Blah. No offense to anyone who goes the traditional route. Traditional works, obviously because it's still used the majority of the time. But it doesn't work for Mr. J and I. We are not the average bride and groom. And as major literary lovers, we've got to throw in some of our favorites.

Because our ceremony is going to be officiated by one of our friends, who is an ultracool and eclectic kinda guy--we want it to be all us. I've been looking at a number of different authors and poets, I want to throw in some of The Prophet by Khalil Gibran

"if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

Aaaah, I love that. There's also something I read, from Still Life with Woodpecker by Tom Robbins, I don't necessarily want to use his exact words, but I think it would be cool to have our officiant talk about love and then ask this question and we can use this as a template to fill in our own quirky things from our relationship as a way of making love stay:

"Who knows how to make love stay?

1. Tell love you are going to Junior’s Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if love stays, it can have half. It will stay.

2. Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay.

3. Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning."

Yes, love will be there in the morning. So, we are going to have our officiant open the ceremony by welcoming everyone and really thanking them for being there. He's going to talk a little about love and marriage (go together like a horse and carriage) and we'll have three readings. Two from Mr. J's side and one from mine. We'll do our vows, which we write personally, and our ring ceremony which we also write with our officiant, we also want community vows to ask of the guests, we kiss, and then we jump the broom.

As a poet, my vows will most likely be poetic, although this is a lot of pressure! But we are both great writers and I'm sure we'll come up with something that makes the other cry. (He better cry!)

To Veil or Not to Veil?

I am not a fan of veils. They look great on other people, but not me. I just don't like them. One thing a lot of people say about wedding planning is "It's tradition," when I ask why something has to be done. You don't really have to do anything because it's a tradition if it's not true to your personality (unless someone is footing the bill and would like that done).

But then I started seeing pictures of brides with birdcage veils. And I think they are the cutest thing ever. I am a big fan of supporting independent and handmade crafts. I headed over to Etsy to see if I could find a unique birdcage veil and saw this beautiful one pictured below. I contacted the designer and asked her if she could make me a custom veil using the colors from the wedding and the color of my dress--lilac, navy blue, and ivory. She said yes! Woo hoo! How hot am I going to be on my wedding day?

via luminoussoul's etsy page

The Most Awesomest Awesome Caterer Ever

I know the title of this particular blog is not grammatically correct but I am so friggin excited about our awesome caterer Mellanee Harvin of The Fork Goes On the Left. (Check out her site!) Mr. J, my mom, mom's boyfriend, and I visited with Mellanee on Saturday for a tasting of the menu we had agreed on.

For our cocktail hour we are having cheese, crackers, fruit, and a signature drink. After this the guests will go back out into the courtyard for an amazing cocktail reception. The passed h'or deurves are: buttermilk fried chicken skewers, catfish fingers with remoulade sauce, mini crab cakes with chipotle mayo, and caramelized onion and smoked gouda quesadillas. Mellanee began the tasting with the crab cakes and I ate most of them, I wish I could describe how they tasted in words...hmmm maybe orgasmic? Next were the fried chicken skewers. These were so good that Mr. J said that if I wanted to ensure that our relationship will last a lifetime then I need to learn how to make fried chicken like that. The quesadillas were also amazing. The only one we didn't taste were the catfish fingers, but believe me at the time we didn't miss them we were sooo stuffed.

Next came the salad, dinner rolls, and then the three different pastas we'll have available for the buffet dinner. Pasta with salmon in a cajun cream sauce, pasta bolognese, and pasta with pesto and summer vegetables. I loved them all but my favorite is the salmon, Mr. J's favorite is the the pasta with the meat sauce. Can I tell you the best part about all of this? She gave us tupperware with the remaining pasta to take home. We devoured that over the weekend.

Our guests are going to be nice and fed and in foodie heaven.

My mom asked us to move the wedding date up so that she can have Mellanee's food sooner. I wish.

Tattoo Cover-ups?

At the beach displaying my ink

I love my tattoos. And for this reason I was a little offended when I was watching my weekly installment of We Go Bridal Night on WE-TV. It was the show "My Fair Wedding" with David Tutera. I'll admit I love this show and I love what David does, it's no wonder he's a celebrity event planner. BUT. I did not like the way he reacted when he saw Mandy's tattoos. He eventually had an airbrush artist come cover up her tattoos for the ceremony and then take the airbrush off for the reception.

If she wanted to cover up her tattoos, then so be it. But he acted like he never saw a bride with tattoos before and like it was the most horrible thing in the world for a bride to walk down the aisle with tattoos. I originally planned to have a strapless wedding dress, and though I do have that style dress, it also came with a little lace bolero jacket. I may or may not wear it to walk down the aisle...but only because it came with the whole ensemble. Though I may write the whole bit of lace off because the jacket is too big for me and that would mean more alterations on top of the wedding dress. So, my tattoos will most likely be displayed for all to see on my wedding day, just like they were the night of our engagement party. I'm trying to imagine the faces as they watch my back while I say my vows. Lots of people don't know about the large tattoos on my back, but they are a part of me and this bride is going to have her fair wedding with plenty of ink on display.

What do you think? Would you cover your tattoo on your wedding day? Would you make your bridesmaids cover their tattoos?

If you want to check out plenty of brides rocking their wedding days with tats, visit Offbeat Bride.

Are Diamonds a Black Girl’s Best Friend?

My ring (a little blurry)

You know the tagline, “a diamond is forever,” and I’ll admit the sparkle and shine puts a smile on this girl’s face. But then I think about blood diamonds. I’m sure everyone knows about this, maybe you’ve read an article or saw that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and his fake accent. As a Black woman (just so you know I don’t call myself African American) there is a special place in my heart for mother Africa. It’s where life began and where so many of us can trace ancestry to. I’ve never been there, but it’s a trip I plan to take one day. I would never want to wear a rock that paid for civil war, torture, and the death of Africans just trying to make ends meet for their families.

Also, I’ve always loved color and diamonds, no matter how sparkly, well, they’re clear. So I decided I wanted a sapphire, as my jeweler sang to me, “Sapphires are eternal” (he was trying to do a remake of the “Diamonds are forever” song for me). I wanted a ring that looked antique, an art deco style. The setting I chose included space for small diamonds. And the small diamonds looked awesome! Ugh, pulling at my heart strings. Africans or Diamonds? Our wonderful jeweler is a longtime friend of a family member and assured us that the diamonds used in my ring are conflict-free, blood free. I’m going to believe him. They’re small (Ok, that’s what I tell myself).

I’ve read about the Kimberley Process, which countries join to certify that the diamonds they are selling are conflict free. But this is not a law, it’s an agreement. I’ll admit I don’t know all the facts, but I know that I don’t trust DeBeers. It sounds like the Kimberley Process is a start, but won’t really solve the issue at hand, there needs to be law and tough consequences, not just being removed as a member from the process, sure it means you can’t trade with other members, but there’s always someone willing to do something underhanded and get those diamonds.

I just wonder if anyone else thinks about things like this. I stare at my hand sometimes and hope that whoever mined these diamonds was not at war, was not harmed, and the money they made helped put food on their table and clothes on their children.